i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
