My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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