Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
