Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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