just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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