I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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