i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
