so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
