i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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