I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
