Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
