Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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