I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
