just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Randomize
