yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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