How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
