I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
