jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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