if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
