time to smoke my breakfast
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
