My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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