I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
