i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
