your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
