I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
