I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
