My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
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