Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?