i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?