My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
