this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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