Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
