I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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