just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
