Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
