At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
