If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
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