1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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