so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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