Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
