Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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