so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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