My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
