so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
