Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
