I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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