I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
