just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
