we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
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