I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
