just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
