opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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