he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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