I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i drank out of a bidet.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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