the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
