so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
