Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
