you're like a bully in the Christmas story
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
