it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
